7 Ways to Phrase Your Concerns to Your Child’s Teacher (and 3 Ways Not To)
It’s happening.
Again.
His wet eyes are inconsolable. Every teardrop knifes into my heart.
Is the lump in my throat sadness? protectiveness? anger? I pull myself together while his head is buried in my chest, and realize the answer is…yes.
How long do I let my child go through this before I step in? I know the answer before I finish formulating the question: tomorrow. I must confront his teacher over this. This is not the education I was expecting my little boy to get.
My son has stopped crying but doesn’t want to leave my lap for a while. Mental note: Drive son to school and talk to his teacher before school. Can I just show up? Do I need an appointment? The office is closed now, but this pattern of behavior should change, for everyone. It must.
Sound familiar? If you are a parent with a school-aged child, I bet it has been a well-known situation at some point.
The reason for this scenario varies from child to child, school to school, but it is a common theme and variation that has cast a dark shadow over many a-homes during the education process.
What should we, the anguished parent, do in situations that find our kids between a text book and a hard place?
There are great ways to face school issues head on to get desired results, and terrible ways to confront school people that may make a bad situation worse.
Helping Your Child, Getting Results
Even though technology and schooling has rapidly changed, there remains common age-old issues that are part of the schooling experience. As parents, we do not have to have thoughts such as, “It’s just a part of growing up,” or “Kids will be kids.” Not intervening when appropriate is not good, but overreacting is usually worse. Here are the most common problems and how to plan and expect positive solutions.
1. Bullying
Most children are bullied during their time at school. Parents have confided in me that they aren’t always sure of the legitamacy or degree of accurance when their child says they or one of their friends is being bullied.
Do you ever think this: Is my kid really being bullied? It’s a bit overused word. I don’t want the school to think I’m another helicopter parent raising a sissy.
After you have your child explain in detail the incident(s), you should err on the side of caution and seek out the teacher. Three ways to do this is send the teacher a quick email asking to make an appointment, call the school secretary and ask teacher to contact you after school, or ask secretary to set up an appointment in the near future.
Before meeting with the teacher, you should jot down a short outline of the incident(s), a time frame if you can, and how your child is feeling. This will help you appear “more together” and sticking with the facts. A good way to begin the conversation would be to say:
I am concerned that my child is being bullied.
The teacher will ask you to elaborate on the issue. Refer to your notes which helps you relate the experience more accurately. If the teacher asks clarifying questions, it is to gain a clearer understanding of the situation, not questioning your child’s integrity. After you have stated the timeline of the facts, take a breath and wait for the teacher’s response. It is okay if there is a moment of silence first. Five silent seconds can feel like five minutes! Let the teacher process what you have told her and formulate a response.
Be prepared for three possible responses: 1. Wow, thank you for bringing this to my attention. Let’s talk about ideas to solve this together. 2. Actually, what really happened was… 3. I talked to the two children involved and this is how we solved it.
2. Homework
I believe in homework, I really do. Kids need extra practice outside of the classroom to become proficient at the skills they are learning. I also believe in a kid being a kid. Isn’t two hours of homework most nights over the top?
Homework is quickly becoming a four-letter word in many homes. Teachers are responsible to teach state and federal standards at a dizzying rate. Instead of kindergarteners learning their colors and counting and circle time behavior expectations, five year olds better come out of kindergarten writing complete sentences and even simple paragraphs.
Test, test, teach to the test. This is the mantra forced onto teachers everywhere.
Why? Because federal standards demands it. Therefore, state standards demand more, which puts more pressure on schools, principals, and, subsequently, teachers.
By the time most parents get home from work, get dinner on the table, and clean up the kitchen, all they want to do is sit down and unwind. Helping their frustrated child with a history timeline, long division, or even putting words in alphabetical order is not on their top 10 — or top 50 — things to do with their few precious hours.
If homework is dragging on for a couple of hours each school night, kids aren’t the only frustrated ones in the house. And don’t even get me started on weekend homework and projects! Does homework disintegrate into “Yell-fest 2020? ”This family-wide exasperation can have a parent wanting to throttle their kid’s teacher.
Does homework disintegrate into “YELL-FEST 2020?”
After you have clenched your fists in the air a few times, imagining a neck between them, take a couple deep breaths and relax your shoulders. Below is a way to approach the teacher that will help you find the solution you would like without incurring jail time:
My child is spending hours doing homework most nights. Is that what you expect or is it taking her longer?
I was asked this question a few times over the course of my teaching career. I was always shocked that homework would take so long, as that was never my intent. As a parent, be prepared to reflect on your homework environment at the house: is there a quiet place for your child to do her homework? Do you have to tell him over and over to “get going?” Is she playing on her phone while doing homework? Is the TV on at the same time? There may be some home environmental factors you need to examine that are leading to everyone’s frustration.
3. Loneliness
Some children may be surrounded by kids all day and be the loneliest creatures on Earth. If your child is a “watcher” and not a “doer,” at least in new or unfamiliar settings, you know exactly what this means.
How many times do you ask your child who they worked with, played with, ate lunch with? Only to hear them softly answer, “No one.” Do you just encourage him to sit with kids at lunch and give them some “conversation starters?” Do you continue to encourage them for months on end, waiting for the day that your daughter shares the news of being invited to a slumber party? Your son brings home that birthday invitation? How long do you say to yourself, “Well, they have to learn to make friends in this world, and they have to start in school.” Waiting months can feel like waiting years for both you and your child. If your child perceives that they just don’t have friends, their self-esteem, homework, interest in outside activities will suffer.
How long do you say to yourself, “Well, they have to learn to make friends in this world, and they have to start in school.”
Everyone, everyone, regardless of age, wants to belong. Here is a way to phrase this issue to the teacher:
My child feels lonely at school. His shyness makes him feel very nervous to talk to others on the playground or in the classroom.
Although your boy would be mortified if he knew you went to the teacher, you should feel that if you made the teacher aware of your son’s painful shyness and desperateness for a friend, a kid could reach out to him. The teacher may be aware of this and have some strategies in place already to help your child make friends. However, maybe your child’s degree of shyness is not realized by her teacher.
Everyone, everyone, regardless of age, wants to belong.
Parents might be unaware that schools have a social worker who, among other things, have “friendship groups.” They may be before school, during lunch or recess. Their purpose is to teach kids how to be a friend and incorporate some kids into the group who make friends as naturally as breathing. If his teacher doesn’t suggest involving the social worker, you make a point to request it and ask the social worker to call you. Part of your child’s education is the social piece. It plays a larger part than you may remember.
4. When to Get Extra Help
Children usually do not excel at everything. Sometimes they need an extra boost in language arts or math to keep up with increasingly rigorous curricular demands. Children are identified in school as being “at-risk” for several reasons, which include academic deficiencies. If your child is deemed “at-risk” in math or language arts, they are usually pulled out for small group instruction that reteaches the concept(s) first taught in class. This is usually called “Title I Math” or “Title I Reading.” This is fine and dandy, except now my kid just missed social studies and has to read a chapter and answer the questions at home while the rest of the class has all their social studies completed during class time. Here’s the pooper-scoop on THAT scenario: AT-RISK CHILDREN ARE NOT, ARE NOT, ARE NOT TO MISS CORE ACADEMIC INSTRUCTION FOR TITLE I PULL OUT INSTRUCTION! (Yes, I meant that in all CAPS!) Now, realistically, it is nearly impossible to never teach a subject when students are receiving Title I services, but if you are seeing a pattern of your child saying that they have extra science homework again because they were not in class, you should step in and address it. When you meet with the teacher, here is a way you can word this concern:
I know my kid needs extra help in math, but he feels like he is getting pulled out for Title I and missing a lot of social studies class (or other subject). Is there a way to solve this?
Your child’s teacher may not realize how often this is happening. If the teacher knows it is happening and says that they can’t help it and it is just how the schedule worked out, you can ask the teacher to see this from the children’s perspective of being “punished” for getting extra help by missing core instruction and having extra homework. If you feel that there isn’t a viable solution offered, it would be appropriate to express your concern to the principal at an agreed upon meeting time.
5. Cost of School Supplies
Let’s face it: the school supply list gets longer every year and the cost really adds up, especially when you add the cost of a backpack to the pile. Even though I love the smell of a freshly opened pack of Crayolas, stores that start stocking school supplies before the Fourth of July are pushing the envelope a bit! Here are a couple of tips to help keep beginning of the year school supplies cost down: stores like Staples usually sells 1 subject notebooks for a thin dime. Your kid doesn’t have to have a $10 five-subject notebook. They can have five one-subject notebooks for a total of 50¢ instead. Also, many church and service organizations love to buy backpacks and fill them with school supplies to be given to kids in August. An appropriate way to inquire about supplies by calling the school would be to say:
Is there any assistance for school supplies? I know my child needs to purchase x, y, & z, but I can’t do that just now.
Schools usually have a lots of leads and phone numbers for resources to help you outfit your child’s school supply needs so they can feel good about beginning the year. It doesn’t hurt to ask and, please, please, please, don’t feel ashamed about asking either! There are several church and social groups in most communities that love to fill a need, which fills a need in their hearts too — double win!
6. We Must Move, but Want the Same School
O.K., here’s my blunt prediciment: Rent is coming due. And I haven’t paid last month’s rent. We can’t stay here, but I want my son to stay at his school. He has made some great friends and he really likes his teacher. Plain and simple: I need help. We need help.
Listen to me carefully: It is o.k to ask for help. It does not devalue your worth.
This is a tough situation for a parent, but it is becoming more and more common as the middle class is being squeezed out of existence. You, the parent, who wants to provide the very best for your child as you are able, may find yourself between the Devil and the deep blue sea. Who knew that parenting would be so hard…that LIFE would be so hard?
Listen to me carefully: It is o.k to ask for help. It does not devalue your worth. Realizing that we can’t always do everything on our own is a step of maturity. If you are faced with having to move — again — keeping things as normal for your child is key, namely, keeping them in the same school. There may be resources with whom your children’s school will help you connect. Don’t be afraid to ask your school administrator or social worker:
We will be forced to move out of our apartment soon, but I want my child to stay in the same school district. Are there any resources you can help me find?
Educators do what they do because they are kind and compassionate. You will be met with help, not judgement. And isn’t it worth asking in order to seek out any and every possibility to keep your child in the same school? You bet it is! Uncover every rock!
7. A Teacher Doesn’t Like My Child
My daughter feels like the P.E. teacher doesn’t like her and picks on her. She has come home in tears more than once over this teacher and I’m tired of it. She actually makes herself sick on P.E. days. She’s not faking it either; she gets that worked up about attending that class. Enough is enough!
Now, before you go in there and tell the teacher where the cows ate the cabbage, talk through some instances with your child. Are there specific things that the teacher said that may have hurt your kid’s feelings? Were they singled out, and if so, do they know why? Once you have some examples and a time line of instances the best your child can remember, request a meeting with the teacher as well as the principal.
It’s really hard not to go in with guns a-blazin’ when our kids are concerned. That, however, is a good way to not be heard very well. Below is a possible way to begin sharing your concern with the teacher and the principal.
My daughter has told me some things that the P. E. teacher has said that concern me. She honestly believes that you do not like her.
After the teacher’s response, refer to the paper on which you have written the timeline of events. It’s important that you stay focused on the things that your child has dictated to you because it is easy to let emotions run high.
It’s really hard not to go in with guns a-blazin’ when our kids are concerned.
You should expect that the teacher will probably give some contextual insight to some of the instances and, very possibly, not even recall some of them. This is not because he or she is calloused, but if something is jokingly said, for example, a child might take it literally and really have their feelings hurt by it. The teacher would have no idea and have no recollection of it. Maybe when the rest of the story is told, it’s possible your child DID get in trouble— and should have too.
There are probably more wrong ways to approach a teacher or administrator than right ones. Let’s take a quick look at three ways that will compound the problem, starting with the bullying scenario.
Three Things Not to Say to Your Child’s Teacher
Back to Bullying
When your kid comes home upset or crying again because of the class bully, you just may become unhinged as your protective instincts kick in. You think, “That’s it. I’m calling that teacher in the morning.” However, you wake up just as mad about it as you went to bed and decide to drive your kid to school. You just march right into the office, ask to see the teacher and say,
NUMERO UNO PARENT NO-NO:
I have had it with my kid telling me every day how Bobby picks on him at recess and even in the classroom and how you won’t do anything about it!
This lack of restraint will make matters worse, and in this day and age, might even get you an escort out of the building as most school now employ at least a part-time police officer. Won’t that just put you in the running for “Cra-cra Parent of the Month?”
Back to Homework
Homework often ends up as a game of tug-o-war on the home front, usually resulting in shouting, slamming doors, and, eventually, a tag team event that results in no winners. Your kid barely gets started then gets off track. You redirect and redirect, but dinner is over, the clock is ticking, and your kid has written little more than his name.
Now it’s after 9:00 pm and it’s been yet another night of “Obstinate Olympics.” You decide that this will be the last night you waste burning your families’ candle at both ends.
Your frustration is boiling over and you might as well be wearing a shirt that says, “Danger, Will Robinson! Outta Control Parent!”
As you drive to school the next morning before your shift starts, you think about all of the wasted energy of last nIght’s debacle. Fuming, you stomp into the teacher’s room five minutes before the class heads into the building and with a shaky voice say,
NUMERO DOS PARENT NO-NO:
You need to back off the homework! Do you really expect kids to do 3 hours of homework every night? We have a life!
Your frustration is boiling over and you might as well be wearing a shirt that says, “Danger, Will Robinson! Outta Control Parent!” You will most likely be asked to come back after school or another time to discuss your concerns (and maybe be given a pamphlet with anger management phone numbers.
Back to Being Mama or Papa Bear
Lastly, here’s a “catch-all no-no” for all of the reasons you’re hacked off and you’re gonna let the school know about it:
NUMERO TRES PARENT NO-NO:
YOU obviously are NOT going to take care of this! I’m going to the principal and the superintendent, not to mention the school board president!
How to Best Help Your Child? Be Proactive, Not Reactive
If you’re looking to be that “hot air parent” that people can’t stand, do not want to help, nor want their kids in their class, then, by all means, this quote has your name written all over it. Telling off a teacher in a frustrated moment will only foster resentment on both sides. Heading to the superintendent’s office shows only that you “don’t get it,” and you should follow the chain of command. There are ways to communicate with the school, and ways to avoid at all costs.
Reflect, Collect, and Focus
Find your situation or the one closest to it from the top seven.
Reflect long and hard on your concern.
Collect the facts and write them down the best you can.
Stay focused the problem and the desired outcome.
You’ll be glad you did, and so will your kid.